A few months ago, I attempted a flash fiction piece for a woman's magazine. The requirements: modern day romantic fiction of 800 words with a perceived problem in the beginning to be overcome by the end. It was rejected by them and then by a second company. I'd like to share it with you and I hope you'll offer an HONEST critique.
Love’s New Beginning
This is it. The night Kevin is
going to break up with me.
It was only a matter of time. Four months ago I lost my
job. Unable to find another I had to move back in with my parents. My car had
been repossessed the week before, and this morning I realized I had gained
twenty pounds since the holidays. As I slipped further into a depression, I
couldn’t imagine how someone like Kevin would want to stay with a loser like me.
When he picked me up, Kevin was full of meaningless
chatter as we headed for town. Now, thirty minutes later the car became
uncomfortably silent.
He must be trying
to figure a way to break it to me gently.
Perhaps
I could forestall the inevitable or try to change his mind, but could I do that
to him? I wanted him to be happy, not get drug down into my misery.
I
studied his profile while he wove in and out of traffic. He’s so handsome, smart, and fun. I should break it off before he has
to.
The
problem is, I’m a coward and I want to hold on to him as long as possible. I
sighed, shifted my weight to turn to look out the passenger window.
Realizing
I had no clue where we were, I asked, “Where are we going?”
“Oh,
Julie, I’m sorry. I forgot to mention I promised a friend I would stop and feed
his dog while he was out of town tonight.”
“Who
do you know that lives in the city?”
“I
didn’t tell you Mark bought a house?”
“No,”
Already failing to share part of your
life with me.
We
lapsed back into silence until we reached the house two miles later.
Kevin
shut off the ignition, turned and stared at me.
“Julie,
would you mind coming in with me?”
“You
need help to feed a dog?”
“I
might need help finding the food. Mark didn’t mention where he kept it.”
“Alright.”
I
turned, pulled the handle to open the door, and stopped to stare at the home.
“It
would be nice to live in a place like this.”
“You
think so?” he asked.
“You
don’t?”
He
stared at the house for a moment. “Maybe.”
My
shoulders drooped. Here I was imagining a home with him one day. He obviously
wasn’t in the same place.
I
followed him up the path from the street to the front door. He had the key
ready and turned the lock immediately. Then, he just stopped and turned to
stare at me.
“What’s
wrong?”
“Julie,
I should have talked to you about this before…”
Oh God, he’s going to break up with
me on the front porch of his friend’s house.
I
stood frozen, unable to speak or move, until he motioned me to lead the way. I
took three steps into the living room before stumbling to a stop again; this
time in astonishment instead of terror.
In
the center of the room a round table had been dressed with a white tablecloth.
Two candles burned in their holders next to a bucket of ice and a champagne
bottle. A plate of chocolate covered strawberries sat to one side.
I
vaguely registered the sound of the front door closing. When I glanced at
Kevin, he took my hand and led me to the side of the table. We stared at each
other a moment, and I could feel nervousness and anticipation gathering my
stomach muscles tighter and tighter.
“Julie,
this house doesn’t belong to Mark. I bought it – for us. You are the most
wonderful woman I’ve ever known. Your beauty is surpassed only by the kindness
and love in your heart. I can’t imagine going another day without asking you to
be mine.”
Tears
flowed down my cheeks as he lowered himself to one knee and pulled a box from
inside his coat pocket.
“Julie,
will you do me the great honor of becoming my best friend, wife, and lover for
as long as we both shall live?”
“Yes,”
I whispered shakily sinking down next to him so I could pull him close.
He
kissed me fiercely before pulling back. “You haven’t even seen the ring yet.”
“I
don’t care about the ring, just you.” I laughed.
“Well,
I hope you’ll like this one.”
He
opened the box and I had to wipe my eyes again before I could focus on what lay
inside.
I
gasped as he pulled out the beautiful band. He was offering me his
grandmothers’ wedding ring. An heirloom I had admired before the wonderful
woman passed the year before.
“She
wanted me to give it to you if I ever worked up the courage to ask. She knew
how much you meant to me even before I did. I love you.”